The Butt Bomb

Note: The below described incident is a real fiasco that happened to me on a Monday morning at my work place. My Monday blues turned into Monday yellows. Read it to find out what actually happened. 

He was restless. So he had to go. And mind you, he had to rush. 

Four to five cups of Cappuccino and Latte in the first half of a yawn-ing Monday morning leaves some tiring work for the digestive system. The pressure on the hapless system is more if the Sunday was a late-night party. A lot of chemical reactions takes place inside it and the result is some fertilizer which unfortunately is too much for the body to handle. So ultimately, the brain asks the body to dump it.

So he rushed and reached his favorite lavatory, ultra-modern, studded with big mirrors and compartmentalized lobbies. Aha, “it is a luxury in India”, he thought. 

The jaguar advertisements flashed through his mind. Those lonely, dracula-type models hovering around those expensive water taps, bath tubs adorned the set-up. He was humming a song. He opened one of the doors and got inside. The lid of the commode was firmly closed. He always wondered that commode is such an unromantic name for such a sophisticated machine. 

Why can’t be it made sexy and appealing like- Butt sitter, Bum Kisser or something similar. Makes it more marketable, isn’t it? Anyway, the machine with two layers of lid and a bulging U-shaped stomach like design always scared him. To open the lids was always a challenge, not knowing what would you see ahead. But if you don’t open it, you won’t be able to dump! So courageously, he opened it.

And…

It was an unpleasant, treacherous, and monstrous sight. Just like any other human being, his reflexes immediately ordered him to press the flush button. He did it frantically and shut both the lids. Aghast, he returned from the terror spot. He pushed the flush button again. You can call it vengeance. It didn’t matter if the mammoth organic-inorganic heterogeneous yellowish-brown chemical was exited to its much-deserved heaven- the sewer. As long as the lids were closed, he could flush the chemical a thousand times and imagine it dying atom by atom. 

In that moment, he just wanted to destroy it without even looking at it. You can say he didn’t have the courage to see it in eyes and kill it. He banged the door and rushed in the lavatory lobby area. He washed his hands and face, just a psychological and physiological response when you see something that humanly disgusting. As he leaves the lavatory, the whirlpool in the machine had subsided. The earthquake was over. He just wished the chemical was all dead, bruised and flushed.

He hastily walks out of the often visited satisfaction chamber which millions of Indians don’t have the privilege to access. As he sprinted towards his work station, images of such a nasty bomb flashed again and again. He tried to be strong and meditate on all the beauty left around. Even smell has memory. He thinks to kill it by the ‘deodorant’ he fortunately carries in his bag pack. But all the while, he just wanted to meet that butt bomb terrorist who planted such a nasty chemical n one of the most visited places in any human inhabited dwelling. 

Now, this is surely corruption. It’s incomprehensible how low can one stoop to hide such quantity of lethal bomb under two awesomely designed imported Italian commode lids. Was it too much of an effort to destroy them? Definitely not! A gentle tap, a playful trigger of the shining flush button could have exploded that bomb (stool, dung, turd - just in case you want me to say it exactly), completing its destiny and giving it salvation. Was the water force inside that scientifically advanced machine very slow? Absolutely not! It's high-end, always functional. Thanks a bunch to the proactive admin department.

But whoever that scumbag was, he didn’t bother to do it. Mental corruption, seriously. It is these same scoundrels who put India on the list of most uncivilized countries. It is these same people who spit on roads and walk away sheepishly. If you find such butt terrorists around, kindly give them a punch or two so that next time you are there for unloading your self-inflicted garbage, you don’t have to shit about it. All you’ve to do is to sit and relax, thinking of all beauty around you.

P.S: Don’t think about this when having your dinner or lunch. :-p And, please unload your butt bombs safely. It can kill others.